Lesson about Preparation...

I hate packing. I am no good at it. I always get wherever I am going and realize, I have packed the wrong stuff. Even if I am going somewhere fun, I always forget something or just don't bring the right things. I have a big packing project ahead of me and it isn't going to be fun. We are transferring Little C to the hospital where he had his transplant in order to hopefully get some resolution to his current issue. I really don't want to go. But on the other hand, I really really want resolution and I know this is the only way. I am very excited to see our friends there and our nurses and just have a change of scenery. I am also scared it will bring back memories I'm not really ready to face. The first time we went there, I was filled with hope. Shear joy at the possibility of "curing" my little boy. My plan, obviously, wasn't what God had in mind. Many things went wrong, many days of unknown and many scary nights. I guess I thought those were behind us. Now here I am, thinking about what I will need to pack. With no idea of how long we will be there and what this inpatient stay will bring. So many things about our lives have changed since the first time. Little C has grown so much, he is much stronger and I am much more attached to him. He has become our son, my son, my everyday something to look forward too.  When he was small, and so frail, so sick- he was my mission- to save him. I have talked before about how hard it is to connect with your child when you have to ask someone to touch him. No freedom to hold him and merely the label of mommy, but not all that it should entitle you too.  Now, he communicates with me, he kisses me, he reaches out for me. He has started to become the boy he was put on the Earth to be. It's a whole different ballgame now. He doesn't want people messing with him. He doesn't like the tubes and the connections. I too struggle with those. I don't like them either. So this time, I worry about how he will react. He didn't have the ability to fight back last time. I am trying my best to adapt to the unknowns in my life. It is hard. I see those commercials on TV about the new test for Breast Cancer and wonder if I would want to know what the future holds. I guess that knowledge creates choices. Having more knowledge about Multivisceral kids is a double edged sword. Some do really well, others don't. My husband and I have many arguments about where Little C is on that sliding scale. I tend to lean more toward the good, normal side. I have to believe we are going to ok. It's hard enough to get out of bed and face doctors everyday. How could I face them expecting bad news? I am trying really hard to be positive about this trip and yet everyday, I have delayed preparing for it, hoping we won't have to go. Leaving our home and our daily life once again for the unknown is really pulling me down. But packing must be done. Last thing I need is to get there without a coat or a clue. One of my goals is to be better prepared in 2010 anyway, right? No time like the present right? I'll start tomorrow. funny.